When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
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