we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
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