Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
Randomize
