she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
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