At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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