the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
