hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
Randomize
