I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
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