Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
Randomize
