A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
Randomize
