I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
