I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
Randomize
