someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Randomize
