meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Only a mothe r could love this liver
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
