I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
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I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
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And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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