I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
