It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
he was cumming and all I could think about was the pathway of sperm the in penis. thanks a lot nursing
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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