I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
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