nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
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