I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
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