also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
Come see our sink grown plant.
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
