you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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