You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
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