Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Randomize
