living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Randomize
