we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
Randomize
