Me too!
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
