I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
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