it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
Randomize
