Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
