and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize
