do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
idea:have a jello shot stand(opposed to lemonade stand) to raise money for spring break
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
