3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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