you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
