I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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