I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
Randomize
