...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Randomize
