omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize
