Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
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