I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Randomize
