You surviving the open bar?
Super asto ex polenta omaha botad
Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Randomize
