Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Randomize
