you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
i'm going through the NYU 2014 group looking for future drunken hookups. too slutty?
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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