the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
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The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
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