Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Randomize
