upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
