Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
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