chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
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