It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
There aren't nearly as many guys masturbating on chatroulette as i was led to believe...i feel cheated
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
