Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
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