Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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