alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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