Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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