She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
