So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
