The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Randomize
