Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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