I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Randomize
