My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
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