Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
