i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Randomize
