even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
