What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
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