I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
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We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
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Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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